She Speak

2009 Breast Cancer 3 Day

2008-12-19T09:28:00.006-07:00

Yep, thats Right its on again!!

Words cannot even express how wonderful the 3 Day walk was this last November. Outside of blisters from...well waaay down stairs, this is an event created for Remi (n hopefully Roxy this year!)

Why you ask...again its simple:

You get to skip work for a few days
You get to hang out with your friends for those days
Free food
Crazy fun people in costumes..like boobie rangers, pirates, can-can girls etc, hydration hookers, Disney, spies....
Powerful stories from people all over
Tears & side splitting laughter ("Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion"-Steele Magnolias)
Firemen!
The whole weekend is dedicated to helping others
You get to make new friends!!
Karaoke & dance parties every night!!!

Bottom line, why not. Even the Olympic, Run Fat Boy Run-like blisters were totally worth it!!

So this year I again will walk. I may be called stubby, Arizona's first dual stump pirate, but all you have to do is watch a 3 Day from the sidelines to understand. I gladly give my heart & feet to the cause & I hope that all of you reading this will help to sponsor me again!

Thanks,

Remi

ps....the team name this year is up in the air. I wanted team Super Boobs...but my brothers want to walk as well & they don't seem to want to be called a boob...hmm...I'll have to work on them :) in the mean time, support & team name suggestions are welcome!

pss...some pics from the '08 Breast Cancer 3 Day

Work Out

2008-07-05T12:17:00.002-07:00

Baby Momma: You know...its just not the same down there. All the stories are right!

Remi: You know you can just do a few Keigels to help remedy that...wait...ooh thats 10!

Baby Momma: Very true...look, I just did 3 reps while we are talking.

Remi: Next you should by a freeweights or a dumbell. You'll need to be careful though when you increase the weight...don't want to hurt yourself

Baby Momma: ooh..I think I just pulled a muscle

Remi: We need a doctor...STAT!!

Happy Birthday Roxy!!!

2008-05-18T19:03:00.004-07:00

Remi: Happy Birthday Roxy!!

Here's to many more years of bringin Sexy Back!!!

Hot Shit

2008-05-17T17:04:00.004-07:00

Oh dear Baby Jesus!!

Its already 98 to 99 degrees here & I get sick with a fever of 102...

Remi: I'm actually hotter than it is outside!

Remi's Dad: Well how do you feel?

Remi: Like shit...literally...well actually more like liquid poo...but you get the point.

Remi's dad proceeds to hand her a bottle of Immodium....Remi then reads the label...

Remi: Dad...how do you know if your squirts have mucus in them? The label says I shouldn't take them if it contains mucus.

Remi's Dad: I'm sorry I gave you the Immodium

later the next day when speaking with several people to explain my absense from work and life...

Vogue: I'm sorry you're sick. Thats Crappy.

Remi: Seriously you're going to say its crappy?

Vogue: laughing...uh yeah

Remi: Well at least I lost about 10 pounds

I can't remember who I said this one to...it may have been my doctor...

Remi: Maybe I can write a book and call it the shitty diet. Just add heat and simmer.

now that I think about it...that last comment was made to my doctor. hmmm...

Breast Cancer 3-Day

2008-05-04T20:08:00.008-07:00

Ok...I realize that I just might be crazy, but its a good cause. In November I will be walking in the Arizona Breast Cancer 3-Day walk. Why does that make me crazy you ask...well I will be walking 60 miles in 3 days. Yes thats right, 20 miles per day.

There have been a lot of people who have asked me why I am doing this. Here is my answer:

Remi: I am doing this walk to remember my mom. She survived this cancer not just once, but twice. She went thru living hell to do it & I believe there has to be a better way. She deserved to have a better life, she earned the right to spoil her grandchildren. Hell my family and I deserved to have more time with her.

While she survived it both times she faced it, the disease did take a toll. My hope is that by walking in this 3 day event, I can be a part of something that will ultimately cure cancer...by supporting me, you will also be a part of the cure. I hope that if I am ever diagnosed, I too will be a future survivor!!

I'll follow back up with pictures from the event...hopefully they won't be of me in the medical tent!! ha!!

Wish me luck everyone

You Go Girl!

2008-02-08T08:49:00.000-07:00

This is a post to all the world to let you know that Remi, yes that other goddess of the SheSpeak blog, has gone back to school!

And I think that deserves a big, fucking

YOU GO GIRL

right here on the Internet.

Revealing Ride

2008-01-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

Preface...CNN reports that a red line train in Boston became a "pantless" ride. Literally, there was news footage of everyone on the redline train sans pants. men in tightie whities, women in the equivalent panties etc...

Remi to co-worker: So you know we are getting the light rail here in Phoenix. Perhaps...

Co-worker who rudly cuts me off: Hell no. I can already tell you that I am not dropping my drawers to get on the light rail here.

Remi: But you never know, it could be exhillerating

Co-worker: Well maybe if you call me up at 2am I might be down. 2am on a Friday or Saturday night anyway.

Remi: Deal, when the light rail opens I'll give you the call!

Random employee at work who overheard: You guys are just sick

Remi: Its taken you this long to figure it out!

AL

2008-01-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

Remi: Hey Vogue, I just called to give you a warning.

Vogue: Really, about what?

Remi: Well you can never visit Virginia! I just found out that anallingus is against the law in Virginia ((thanks Roxy for the 411))

Vogue: Seriously, then I should probably never even visit there.

Remi: Don't worry I don't think anyone will be able to find out....I mean unless you drunkenly blog about it or get drunk and just blab it to everyone out there.

Vogue: Well there goes my plans for summer vacation.

Vacation is the time to live in RRT*, rock and sing out loud, and lose money in Atlantic City!

2008-01-08T22:45:00.000-07:00

But alas, a return to reality must occur. And that reality contains the dreaded four letter word - WORK.

In keeping with the spirit of Roxy and Remi's holiday season in which they named things that are Awesome and Not Awesome (gang-bangers in Bedazzled shirts =Awesome; $10 beers = Not Awesome), I will now enumerate for you ten of the many reasons why Work = Not Awesome.

1. No mimosas in the staff lounge.

2. Putting a quarter in the slot machine in the women's bathroom doesn't yield a delightful ting-a-ling-a-ling sound nor cherries on the pay line.

3. No Karaoke Revolution Dance Party, Sing Star, or random outloud singing.

4. In order to get here on time, bedtime needs to occur before 3AM and wakeup needs to happen before noon.

5. People who stop by the office aren't here to bring free booze.

6. Roadtrips have been reduced to commuting to and from the office.

7. "Holy Fuckin' Shit" isn't considered to be a scintillating sum-up of social dynamics in the office.

8. People actually expect me to give a shit about their problems.

9. At 3:00PM, when it should be time for a nap, there is an important meeting in which I'm expected to report on the successes of my department.

10. Duh, it's WORK.

and bonus, Number 11:

11. At work, we are In Reality Time, not Roxy & Remi Time. This means that even though we both feel like we've been at work for 4 hours, only 15 minutes IRT** has elapsed.

Holy Fuckin' Shit.

*RRT - Roxy & Remi time
**IRT - in reality time.

Compass Companion

2007-12-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

Remi: So they are calling this movie [The Golden Compass] anti-Catholic because the soul of each person is manifested as an animal companion?

Dad: said while pointing at the dogs Are we anti-Catholics then?

Remi: Well that depends...are you a licker (pointing at Mia) or are you a barker (pointing at Sadie)

Dad: Forget I asked.

I have to include it, even though it was "he" speak

2007-11-24T17:50:00.000-07:00

Roxy: No, I don't have to do anything you ask me.
Roxy's husband: You know, I could replace you with a trained monkey.
Roxy: I'd hate to think of the sex.
Roxy's husband: There would be a lot of hair and a lot of squealing. long pause. And that would just be me.

Things you don't normally hear at the office - unless you work where I do

2007-11-08T15:21:00.000-07:00

Roxy to Boss: You have pie crust on your eyelashes.
Boss wipes face.
Roxy: It's not every day you get to tell your boss he has pie crust on his eyelashes.

Slightly flighty receptionist to Roxy: You are too beautiful not to have a My Space page.
Roxy: Huh?
SFR: You have an intuitive spirit.
Roxy: So I should be on My Space?
SFR: It is a great place to meet people like us.
Roxy: Like us?
SFR: Mystical people.

Student 1: Yeah, we bowl frozen turkeys down the corridors next week.
Student 2: No, the week after.
Student 1: Well, it is November.

Happy Hour Insights

2007-08-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

WT Momma: You know I shaved down there when I thought I was going to get some the other day.

Remi: Really, that's good to know, so no more ZZ Top

WT Momma: Nope, now its a Bermuda Triangle, but that's not what I meant to talk about.

Remi: Really, what else is there to say after that?

WT Momma: Well you know how you shave and that day its nice and smooth but the next day you get all of the red bumps?

Remi: Uh yeah

WT Momma: Well I was putting lavender oil on it and it made all the red bumps get worse. I think it was from the added fragrances they put in it.

Remi: You think

WT Momma: Well then I got to thinking and I used olive oil. It is smooth as a baby's bottom now. Seriously you should try it.

Remi: So does that mean that your a virgin again since you used Virgin olive oil?

WT Momma: No I'm an extra virgin!

Karaoke Queen: Mmmm...just take that and add some cherry yogurt and you have yourself a meal!! (reference a blog Roxy is yet to finish!!)

You gotta fight, for your right...

2007-07-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

Roxy & Remi rock.

I've uploaded some pictures to back up my point.

Kickin' it Back In The Day...

Kickin' it on the Mic...

Kickin' it at Graceland...

And that, my lovelies, should be proof enough.

Plotting to Assassinate Reality

2007-07-03T06:49:00.000-07:00

Roxy: So, how are you doing?
H: I’m alive and just getting through each day as it comes.
Roxy: I know.
H: I have been calling on my three old friends…denial, avoidance, and distraction.
Roxy: Holy crap! You know those guys too? Denial and I were like the best of buds for years. Pretty soon, though, I just felt he couldn't do it for me anymore so I hooked up with Avoidance & Distraction. I LOVE the two of them - their my gay guy friends and I'm their fag hag...

I'm all like, "Hey Avoidance, wanna pretend that everything that is really true, really isn't? And then you can come over and we can hang out on my couch together and Distraction can bring over some movies and we can invent stuff to obsess over so that we don't have to face that bitch Reality. She's such a sanctimonious pain in the ass."

And then Avoidance laughs and pops open a case of vodka and we get drunk and paint our toenails.

So yeah, it's like that.
H: I should have known we'd have the same friends.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

2007-06-04T18:39:00.000-07:00

Who hasn't been there,
Who among us has never reached the end of a relationship,
Who else is willing to admit when things have gone down the crapper!

Alas, I am not speaking for myself on this one. I simply relay an observation and a conversation between myself and W.T Momma!

I have known WT for several years and over those years we have dated, almost freakishly bad men. So poor were our choices that we noticed a trend. The men would last so long as their real name did. As soon as a moniker was created, the nickname took over & the boy was ousted!

Recently WT decided to end a long term (2+ year relationship) but she broke the rule. We discovered this as we fondly reminisced over a bottle of wine. This last one was being dumped without a nickname. The situation was quickly remedied. In honor of those whom we have dumped...a short but recent list:

The Spitter - A man who love to spit on women & have them reciprocate...in bed.
Shi Shi Boy - A boy who earned his nickname based on the Hawaiian name for urinating.
Grandpa - Really, the nickname really explains it all.
Pussy Lover - Lover of actual cats...always looking to socialize the little animals, but forgets all about the figurative kitty when the time comes.
NRA Guy - A man, allegedly an adult, most prized possession in his bedroom...a Potato Launcher!
Karate Kid - He can kick a fly off the top of your head but can't do much more.
Mr. Too Tired - Can't be civil enough to stay awake & not complain about being tired at a loved one's funeral

& last but not least...the most recent inductee to the dumpee hall of fame...
GOMER! He just can't help but shoot a pigeon (aka roof rat) off the roof of a home, immediately rip its head off, pluck it, toss it in the micro for 30 seconds and chow on down!

In summary I'd like to say (can't remember where this toast came from sorry)

Here's to the Men who've won us, the losers who've lost us, and the lucky bastards who've yet to meet us!

Oh yes it's Ladies Night...

2007-06-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

Things overheard at girl's night last Friday evening:

Red: Seriously, Barry, you're hanging with all the girls and you're the only guy. For godsake grab your titties or do something chick-like.

Vogue (aka Al): Haven't we already established that I'm a slut who will lick anyone's ass?

Roxy: What the hell are you doing in there, talking to your twat? (said to B, who Roxy thought was in the bathroom mumbling to herself)
later, outside by the pool
Roxy to Remi: Well, Jesus, I thought she was in the bathroom.
B: I was in the closet looking for my top.
Roxy: I thought you said Twat. All I heard was mumbling from down the hall. (To Remi) It was totally like, "Hey, what YOU doin' down there?" Naturally I assumed she was twat talking.

Red, talking about Al: Ass is totally her territory.
Al: I'm all over it.

W: Well, it's not like I knew how to do a blowjob at first...
Roxy: My friend CB told me about it.
Remi: I haven't heard that name in years.
Roxy: I know - of all the people to learn to do a blowjob first. It was freshman year and she called me after school one day. She said, "Steve just asked me to blow him. What does that mean?" I told her I thought it meant you blew on it.
W: Well, I just thought you put it in your mouth and blew. So I did. There were air bubbles up his urethra, or whatever that thing is called.
T: I think you just are born knowing what to do.
W: Seriously, how the hell did you learn to give a blowjob?
T: Well, he pushed my face down there and I put it in my mouth. I kept trying to come back up but he kept pushing me back down. After a while, I just kind of developed a rhythm.
entire party bursts out laughing at T's bobbing gestures

You can call her Al...

2007-05-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

Vogue has a new nickname. It's Al.

We aren't going to tell you what it stands for... well, ok, we aren't going to say it directly.

What we can tell you that the "A" is for Donkey, and the "L" stands for something that you do to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

Is that a fudgie center?

Gaseus McGassy

2007-03-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

In parking garage at work...during our lunch break

Remi: Oh my god I have been so gassy all day. It was so bad I had to go to the bathroom earlier so I could let a big one out.

Vogue: I know what you mean, I've been farting at my desk all day.

Remi: I had to wait in the bathroom until someone flushed...it was explosive!

Vogue: Yeah, I've been lucky all mine have been SBD's...also lucky nobody has walked by while it still smelled at my desk.

later while walking back to the building from lunch...

Remi: (while laughing) Did you hear that?

Vogue: Did I hear what?

Remi: I just let one rip.

Vogue: Oh...well (pause) There...I let one go too! Isn't it great to have friends you can fart with!

Remi: Absolutely!

Vogue: Just don't Shart, "The General" did that one time while I was on the phone with her.

Remi: Seriously...just when you think you know your friends!!

the conversation then drifted away...like the toxic fumes our asses were dispensing....

Who da Ho??

2007-03-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

((second hand, hearsay))
Vogue voice mail to Roxy: "I'm a ho and if you put a bag over my head I'd be a hobag!"

That week a series of picture-mail text messages were sent....
Remi to Roxy: simple picture of the Staples easy button, text - Vogue's easy
Vogue to Roxy: same picture, text - That's right, I am easy
Roxy to Vogue: picture of Roxy with easy button next to her head, text - That's OK I am too
Remi to Roxy: picture of Remi with easy button, text - I guess all 3 of us are easy!! hey lets start a club

the following conversation took place at the bar...at a happy hour...with work people
Vogue to male co-worker #1: I need your advice...honest advice that only a guy can give me. Don't laugh, but if a guy cums on my shirt instead of my mouth its a sign of respect right.

Vogue to same male co-worker #1: You should be an underwear model.
Remi to male co-worker #1: Yeah Calvin, go ahead
Male co-worker #1: just call me CK!
shortly thereafter several pictures were taken as the newly deemed CK struck some "manly" poses for us

Mardi Gras phone calls

2007-02-20T23:57:00.000-07:00

Remi to Dad on phone: Yeah, Roxy met me at the airport with a daquiri.
I can only imagine that Remi's dad told her to not stay drunk the whole time. Then again, knowing her dad, he probably told her to stay drunk.
Remi: Ok dad.

Remi to Vogue on phone: No I'm not flashing my tits. Why not? Because it is fucking cold here and my nipples would become icicles and then fall off?

Roxy to Mom on phone: Remi just said she's not going to flash because her nipples would freeze and fall off. Long pause. No mom, I'm not flashing either.

Roxy to Dad on phone: You know, when you are the eldest child, you don't expect to have to live up to someone's legacy.
Roxy's Dad: What do you mean?
Roxy: I mean that I'll I've heard from my Aunt's friends since I've arrived here is how crazy my dad was last year at Mardi Gras and that he was a bead whore. Dude, you're my dad!
Roxy's Dad just laughs.
Roxy: I do not want to know what you did here last year.
Roxy's Dad: I won't tell you.

Crabs...continued

2007-02-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

on the way home from the casino
Roxy: I got crabs tonight.
Remi: Well I know who's not gettin any tonight...

Later in the car.
Roxy's Other Half: Whats between Remi's thighs
Remi: The Holy Grail
Roxy's Other Half: How long has the grail been holy?
Remi: Only those who seek the grail shall know the answer to that question.
Roxy's Other Half: Thank God I'm not searching anymore.
Remi: Fuck You then! hahahahaha

as we were driving away from the parade route
Remi: Hey, should I throw someone some beads?
Roxy: Yeah go for it, but I'd prefer you wait till the car is moving.
Remi: Well that's no fun...but OK...((the car begins moving in the sea of Mardi Gras trash, I chuck some beads at a guy eating a hot dog)) Did I hit him
Roxy: No, but you did hit that chick!
Remi: Ooops...my bad

the next morning while sorting beads
Roxy's Aunt: Remember if your bag weighs more than 50 lbs the airline will charge you more.
Roxy: I know, they tried to charge me $100/lb when I moved.
Roxy's Aunt: What are you going to do with all those beads anyway?
Roxy: I'm going to give them away.
Remi: You know, we don't really need anymore beads.
Roxy: I know
Remi: That's not going to stop us from catching more tonight is it?
Roxy: Of course not!

James Gandolfini is the point to Mardi Gras

2007-02-19T08:37:00.001-07:00

Waiting for the parade to start...
Remi: Shit - there's the cop car. Is the parade starting? What am I going to do with this sausage I'm eating?
Roxy: I can't be eating a sausage when James Gandolfini comes around the corner.
Roxy's Aunt: Sure you can. Tell him you will give him a bite of your sausage if he gives you a bite of his.

Roxy: If anyone tries to get inbetween me and James Gandolfini, I will mow them down.

Remi: This lip gloss plumps up your lips.
Roxy: You go girl - you plump those lips for James Gandolfini.
Remi: I am!
Roxy: Did you notice that I had to reapply lipstick before he gets here? I mean, shit, I haven't reapplied lipstick at anytime on this trip - not even for my husband.
Remi: And when have you seen me reapply?
Roxy: Like James Gandolfini is going to look at our lips.
Remi: He might.

While at the parade...
Roxy's husband: You do realize we are standing on top of raw sewage, right?
Remi: I don't see shit down there.

Roxy to bitch trying to elbow her out of the front of the crowd: Uh, no. I don't think so, honey. I've been here since 6:00 - you better back it up.

Upon returning to the car...
Roxy's husband to car: Well, car, we paid $30 to park you. Coincidentally, we also paid $30 per person to eat dinner since it is Mardi Gras. How was your experience?
Roxy to car: Did you get crabs too?

(note: I have no idea why we were talking to the car - we were sober.)

Homeward bound...
Remi: See, we don't have to be drunk to giggle in the backseat like schoolgirls.

Yo ho! Mardi Gras Style...

2007-02-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

Remi: I swear, I don't know why that look is popular (gestures to woman in tight short jeans tucked into her black, high-heeled boots)
Roxy: No kidding. It sucks.
Remi: It's supposed to be high fashion but it looks like something out of the 80's.
Roxy: But I guess it would look ok if you were a pirate.
Remi: Arrrrrgggghhhh, yeah.

Day 2: Mardi Gras

2007-02-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

Remi: Do you realize how much funny shit we've said and forgotten?
Roxy: A lot.
Remi: I wish we had one of those voice recorders from the TV infomercials.
Roxy: And to think, yesterday we were making fun of them.

Day 1: Mardi Gras

2007-02-16T12:35:00.000-07:00

Roxy: Tits are pretty

And then...
Remi: Perhaps while we're down here, we should do some community service - you know, like clean up a neighborhood or something.
Roxy: We could do that, but you are forgetting something. We need to drink.
Remi: I didn't really want to do that - but it sounded good, didn't it?
Roxy: I almost believed you.

While in the car...
Roxy's better half: I'm not going to look at the boobs.
Roxy's Aunt: Yeah, whatever.
Remi: You will totally look.
Roxy's better half: Why would I look when touching commits them to memory better?

Late in the evening...
Roxy: Which neighbors?
Roxy's Aunt: Not the catkillers, the lesbians.
Remi breaks into giggles.

At the Muses parade...
Roxy to cop: I guess I shouldn't run out in front of that cop car to get the beads on the ground.
Cop: Probably not a good idea.
Roxy to Remi: I just told a cop that I shouldn't go in front of a cop car. I said 'cop car' to a cop.
Remi: Don't worry about it, he said he's not going to do anything because it's too damn cold.

More cop talk...
Remi: How cool! (pointing her finger) The cops are lighting up! (They were not even two feet away from us as she yells this).

Mob talk...
Roxy: I'm so going to show my tits to James Gandolfini.

We don't remember the rest due to drinking.

O-R-E-O

2007-02-06T08:02:00.000-07:00

Roxy: Is it wrong to eat oreo 100 calorie packs for breakfast?
Ginger: Is it wrong to eat easy mac and peanut m&ms for breakfast? I think not.

That accent will only get you so far...

2007-02-05T09:23:00.001-07:00

Ginger: Don't show up at my house, shoeless and fat, and expect to seduce me.

New Orleans or Bust!!

2007-01-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

Price for round-trip flight to New Orleans - $450.00
Price for rental car in New Orleans - $151.00 (beautiful # by the way)
Cost for hotel room in New Orleans - $0.00
Knowing the New Orleans trip is confirmed - Priceless!!

New Orleans during Mardi Gras season. This is my first trip ever to the land of jazz music, ghost stories and a culture that cannot be fully experienced in under a week. The beauty is that after this trip there will most likely be posts here that will probably make everyone pee their pants, snort milk out of their noses or just yell out "what the hell were you thinking".

I'd like to post a preemptive strike against the "what the hell were you thinking" thoughts you will undoubtedly have...

I will be drunk, drinking or passed out the majority of the time
I am on vacation, I plan to leave my brain behind
Come on now...Roxy & I on vacation...together...in New Orleans...uh yeah like that's not trouble on the rise
Isn't it against the law if I don't flash my tits for beads??
I thought a hurricane was just a weather phenomenon...who knew they were drinks too!
I thought the voodoo doll was the one taking the shots, not me...I was perfectly sober!
I was there to watch the strippers....but hey I did make some money!

To those of you who will read the upcoming posts who are thinking...that's all you did, please remember...there may be children reading this blog!!!

New Orleans, February 2007

Mighty Wrangler!!

2006-12-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

So I was given the opportunity at work to do something kind of special. When I say special I mean I had the great chance to step up to the plate and do some good for the community...OK so if you know me you realize that was a line of bull shit!

Actually when I say special I just meant that it was an opportunity that not many people are given. The fact that I am going to be paid overtime to do this is simply icing on the cake. I probably could have been talked into it anyway.

I have watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade for several years & never gave credit where clearly credit was due. What am I rambling on about...just this, I have been given the opportunity to be a balloon handler in our local Fiesta Bowl Parade. I have nick-named it "Balloon Wrangling" just because I think it sounds much cooler.

Did you know that you have to go to training to be a balloon wrangler? As I was driving to my training session I kept thinking...what the hell, how hard can it be to wrangle a balloon. Oh but it was all serious business when I arrived. What was supposed to be a 20 minute session turned into a full hour of do's and don'ts...like don't let the balloon drag on the ground when going under a power line, don't forget to pull the balloon down to avoid the power line, don't forget to keep walking forward as it is a parade...don't wrap the balloon rope around your hand etc.

My biggest question was never answered...what happens if everyone else drops their rope. I mean, how long do you hold on trying to save the balloon before you let go. What if you held on too long and now you're too far off the ground to let go!! It could be a full on disaster. I can only hope to survive in order to follow up to let everyone know how it goes.

If by chance you tune in and watch the Fiesta Bowl Parade on TV, my company will be "wranglin" the giant roadrunner!

(ok so this is not exactly our balloon, merely a representation)

((I know...you all wish you could be as cool as me!!))

Santa Claus is Coming to Feel You Up

2006-12-12T06:42:00.000-07:00

Remi and I are Buddy Check partners. Sometimes (monthly, if I'm good) I send her emails reminding her to check for lumps. Since it's December, I decided to be Christmas themed:

(sung a la Bruce Springsteen's version of Santa Claus is Comin' To Town)

You better watch out
You better hold 'em high
You better throw them out
I'm telling you why

Santa is gonna feel you up
Santa is gonna feel you up
And if he doesn't
You should...

He knows there a risk
So he's checkin' you twice
Gonna find out
If your lumpy or just right

Santa is gonna feel you up
Santa is gonna feel you up
And if he doesn't
You should...

Lumps can form when your sleeping
They can be there when your awake
Most likely their harmless, little things
But you better check 'em out for goodness sake
(Yeah, you better check 'em out for goodness sake)

Oh you better watch out
You better hold 'em high
You better feel yourself up
I'm telling you why

No breast lumps in 2006
No breast lumps in 2007
No breast lumps ever,
my friend.

Cat-ibalism

2006-11-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

Roxy's Aunt: All I'm saying is that if I died and my cat was stuck in the house with me, and I was already dead, I would want the cat to eat me.
Roxy's Mom: Ewww. That's disgusting. I wouldn't want the cat to eat me.
Roxy's Aunt: I'd be dead. Why would I care? That way the cat could go on living.
Roxy: You'd be delicious with a nice chianti and some fava beans.

Thats Not a Cactus

2006-10-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

While sitting in the hallway "conversation nooks" on our lunch break.

Vogue: Hey, I wonder if that cactus is real.
Remi: Why don't you go touch it to see.

...at least 30 seconds pass while the hallway clears, Vogue then shoots up out of her chair, prances over to the cactus and gropes it. She quickly returns before being spotted...

Vogue: I think its real. A fake one would have been much more rigid that that one, but I can't be sure.
Remi: Well did you stick your nail into it?
Vogue: No! I didn't want to hurt it if it is real.
Remi: Well go smell it then.
Vogue: ((laughing)) Oh I'm not doing that...I know what you're trying to make me do...
Remi: Well then smell your finger!

...please note that Vogue did smell her finger...casually & quickly. I was then advised that they just smelled like the sub sandwhich she just ate.

...also noteworthy. The hallway of the event is lined with glass...there may not have been anybody in the hallway, but who's to tell if the people on the other side of the glass got a show!

Smokers Resolution?

2006-10-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

Vogue: So you know we have try to stop with the sober smoking.
Remi: I know, you're right
Vogue: But we still get to smoke on the following occasions...
1. Vacations when Roxy will be around
2. During drunken bar nights &
3. As a result of very stressful situations
Remi: Agreed

************************************************************

(Next Day)
Vogue: We're late for our lunch break.
Remi: Sorry I got caught up and wasn't paying attention to the time.
Vogue: I think this qualifies as a stressful situation. Right?
Remi: Uh...yes...yes I think it does.

Funky Smells

2006-10-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

Vogue: Did you ever find out what that funky smell was in your car?
Remi: No. It's still there.
Roxy: It's puke from Vogue - right? Vogue, did you puke in the car again?
Vogue: Not recently.
Roxy: Did someone shove a taco down in between the seats?
B: Probably a burrito ground into the carpet.
Vogue: Like I'd waste a perfectly good burrito!

Bathroom talk

2006-08-30T09:19:00.000-07:00

Vogue: So, you'll never be able to drink again?
Roxy: Not like you do now. I used to drink like that and look where it got me. In ten years, you may be in the same place.

we exit the public bathroom, into the store.

Vogue: What will you do?
Roxy: I'm thinking of taking up pot again.
Vogue: No drinking? What's the point of living?
Roxy: ( mocking like she's at a party) "Roxy, do you want a drink?" "No thanks - can't drink because of my liver. Besides, I'm fine with this line of coke right here."
Remi: (from across the store) Uhh... loud! I can hear you all the way down here.
Roxy: It's not like I've really got a line of coke on me. I probably wouldn't do it if I had it.

syphi's future hubby

2006-08-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

really, no need to thank us

2006-08-25T23:16:00.000-07:00

si, la senorita es en mexico

2006-08-23T22:31:00.000-07:00

ella es muy caliente

if i were the postman, i'd want to date us

2006-08-22T18:23:00.000-07:00

i mean, he must really really really hate us

2006-08-21T23:04:00.000-07:00

the postman must hate us...

2006-08-20T20:02:00.000-07:00

The third one

2006-08-19T13:56:00.000-07:00

(we say it with love. your skank butt whores, remi, roxy & vogue)

Postcard 2

2006-08-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

The first postcard

2006-08-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

(Dear Syphi - don't know how it happened, but we received a picture of you when you were out and about in Zacatecas. You look GOOD. Love what you've done with your hair. All our love, Roxy, Remi & Vogue)

Blonde part deux...

2006-08-07T09:30:00.000-07:00

Vogue was in rare form at our slumber party Saturday night while making postcards for our friend Ginger (aka Syphillis Ophelia).

Roxy: "Where you going to put the address?"
Vogue: "What address?"
Roxy: "Syphi's address."
Vogue: "...uh..."
Roxy: "The address goes on the right side of the postcard."
Vogue: "Fine. Fine! What's the address?!"
Roxy: "I'm not giving you the address until you have a pen in your hand and are ready to write because I'm not going to repeat it over and over again."
Vogue: "WHAT'S THE ADDRESS!"
Roxy: "Get a fucking pen!"
Vogue: "Fine, I have a fucking pen. What's the fucking address?!"

Roxy gives her the address. Vogue glues the piece of paper with the address onto the postcard in the right top corner.

Roxy: "Where the fuck are you going to put the stamp?"
Vogue: "You didn't say anything about a stamp, bitch."
Remi: "We didn't think we had to! Have you ever gotten a postcard? God, didn't you go to college Vogue?"
Vogue: "I was in advanced classes."
Remi: "Special Ed?"

Operation Syphilis Ophelia

2006-08-02T10:02:00.000-07:00

While our friend Syphilis Ophelia* is in Mexico for the next three weeks, we are embarking on a campaign to make her feel like she was missed.

Because she is likely to be inundated with mail when she returns, we didn't want her to return home to bill after bill in her mailbox. Instead, she will find amongst her letters from debtors, a little something special from her friends.

Since evil makes us happy, these letters will not be of the typical variety. Instead, they will be postcards. What's so cutting edge about postcards, you ask? Nothing... except they will be homemade postcards. And they will be fabricated from materials never meant to be postcards.

Stay tuned! Pictures of postcards will follow this weekend...

Game on.

*so named for the syphilis that she is bound to contract from "drinking the water" while she is in Mexico. yes, we know what "drinking the water" really means too.

Tweedledee & Tweedledumb

2006-06-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

Question...
Is it wrong to hook up with an "X" the night before a first date with someone you've been talking to on the phone for a few months?

Answer...
Hell yes???

Vogue and I went out to the bar one night, the night before I was to finally meet the man I had been talking to for quite some time. Unfortunately after a few drinks I though it would be a good idea to prank text my ex from a friend's cell phone. Clearly I was not as clever as I though I was when he showed up at the bar. I had a moment of weakness...he looked good, damn good so I accepted his offer to go back to his place, it was under the guise that Vogue would be hanging out with us too.

That plan went to hell when Vogue met my ex's roomate. They hit it off and left ShiShi (Hawaiian for pee & the ex's nickname) & I alone. Needless to say, one thing led to another and...well you get the picture.

I had taken the following day off to meet up with the other man in this story and Vogue had to go to work, the following is the conversation that explains the night so well...

Remi: (calling Vogue on her work phone) "Dumb Ass 2 this is Dumb Ass 1 calling.
Vogue: "I'm at work, we can't talk about that right now, unless you have something work related to talk about we'll have to talk later."
Remi: "I'll have to call you back."

To this day, when either of us are about to commit a night of foolishness again, all that has to be said is..."Dumb Ass 2 this is Dumb Ass 1 speaking"

Blonde Moments From a Bottle

2006-05-31T15:04:00.000-07:00

One of my dear friends, and frequent names dropped on this blog is not blonde. She does have a college degree and is in fact one of the most educated and logical thinking people I know.

Sometimes book learnin' and a strict upbringing in the formative years takes its toll on an otherwise intelligent person. The following are a few examples of my extrodinarily unique friends moments of stereotypical blonde moments...

I was on my way to my house, "Vogue" was with me. There is a home around the corner from mine that flies an American flag and a black POW/MIA flag. Vogue casually looks over to me and in all sincerity asks, "What is powmia mean?" (run it all together and make a word out of it vs. an acronym) Please keep in mind that in our "real life" we work with numerous people who are either in the military or have been in the military. This should have been a no-brainer. When I began to laugh, she got a little upset and said "no really, is it like a hippie saying?". All I could do, between my fits of laughter was to simply spell it out slowly. It was as if you could literally see the lightbulb above her head grow and grow until it finally sunk in.

The next moment of brilliance came when we were somehow on the topic of NASA. Vogue looked at me and said "I didn't know there was a space center in Houston". Thru tightly clenched lips, eyebrows squished together and raised, all I could muster out at first was..."hhmm". I believe one of my other friends who was around simply looked at Vogue and said "Houston, we have a problem", to which Vogue immediately understood and responded, "but I've never seen the movie!".

Yet another moment of brilliance occurred when we were leaving a shopping center. As I rounded the Jack in the Crack, a rather homely man crossed in front of me. Vogue doesn't miss a beat when she asked, "do ugly people know they're ugly?" Thats a good question, I posed it to my dad and he says that he knows he's ugly, the thing is, ugly people just don't care! Always a lesson to be learned!!

Thank you Vogue, thank you for the bottled blonde moments in an otherwise tedious world!

Sally(Mom) Speaks

2006-02-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

This is my mom, Sally Ann.

She was born on April 29, 1937 and passed away on February 14, 2006.

Normally I wouldn't post here with a picture included but I think its fitting for this posting. I'd like to tell you all a few of her words of wisdom...this is after all "She Speak".

"I love you, but I don't like you very much right now" This was something she would say when I did something stupid or broke the rules...I mean when my brothers broke the rule and I got the blame!

"If I say the moon is made of green cheese, then by god its made of green cheese!" This was something said when I dared question the validity of anything she said, or if I pushed the issue on my request after being told no.

"When I say jump, you'd better ask how high" Does this one really need any explanation??

"Don't get mad, get even" I heard this one the most when I was playing competetive soccer. Mom would yell that to me when games started to get a bit rough. She would also tell me the same thing when I was fighting with my brothers.

"If its worth doing, its worth doing right" She was always the perfectionist when it came to her crafts...who am I kidding, she was a perfectionist in everything that she did.

"3's" Mom made this up. It stands for I love you. She would use this when my brothers and I were too cool to say I love you in front of friends at school or on the soccer field.

There are many more things she used to say, but not enough room in the world to publish it.

Mom will be dearly missed, but she will live on forever in my heart!

3's

Worst Comment of 2006

2006-01-03T14:23:00.000-07:00

January 1, shortly after midnight...

Roxy, Hubby, Brother, Mom, Dad and her Brother's Girlfriend's (BG) Mom & Dad sit in a slightly smoky Irish pub. Band has finished their last set. Dinner was good (and Roxy's bread pudding was scrumdidlyumptious). The main event of the evening (aside from ringing in 2006) was to have Mom & Dad meet BG's Mom & Dad as Brother thinks Girlfriend could be "The One."

Dad picks up the tab and we begin to settle the tip for Brother's Girlfriend who was the waitress for our table that evening.

We all pull our wallets, except for Brother.

Roxy: We're putting in $20.
Hubby whispers to Roxy: Actually, $40.
BG's Dad: We gave her $25 already.
Mom: Here's some more.
Dad to my Brother: Boy - you better pull that wallet out and tip your girlfriend.
Brother: Oh, I tipped her alright. I tipped her last night.

***silence at table***

***Brother turns mottled red***

Just after midnight and my brother has already made the worst comment of 2006.

Perhaps it was her present to herself...

2005-12-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

Leaving the college campus the other day:

Girl: She is such a HO. For graduation, she did two guys in the same night.
Guy: Like you've never done that...

Drinking Problem?

2005-12-11T21:22:00.000-07:00

Is it wrong when your new manager...a manager who hasn't been in Phoenix but for 2 weeks approaches you with the following:

Manager: This isn't work related but I have a question for you.
Remi: (nervously looking around) uh ok.
Manager: (leaning in) "do you drink"
Remi: (now really looking around nervously and turning red) How did you know? Did someone tell you?
Manager: No it's just that you can tell with some people.

Because I'm stupid, that's why

2005-12-09T19:43:00.000-07:00

Top 5 Reasons to not do 4 Jaeger Bombs in a row

5. That horrible aftertaste is remarkably similar to Dimetapp.
4. Find yourself asking that question you swore you'd never ask again, "How did I get home?"
3. Lewd dancing without expecting $20 (or for that matter $1) bills.
2. You find yourself talking politics AND religion for over an hour with some guy you just met and will never see again but you find yourself thinking that the two of you could come up with a plan to run the country - and the world - better than any past or present regime.
1. You have to check the "outgoing call" log on your phone to find out who you dialed-while-drunk.

Voicemails

2005-12-09T17:16:00.000-07:00

Remi to friend (while still at the bar)
"Hey we're all over at Rock Bottom...you need to come out and join us to help judge if these guys really do have rock bottoms!"

(normally wouldn't be so bad...however the lack of intelligence granted by alcohol somehow caused the fingers to dial my friend's home phone vs. her cell phone and this message was therefore picked up and relayed back to said friend via her son)

Remi to Roxy
call #1 phone rings to voicemail...too drunk to remember why I had called or what message was left. Just noted that her voicemail rudely cut me off.
call #2 made immediately after call #1 was cut off abruptly.
Roxy: "If your not dead or have a body part missing I'm going to Fucking cut your head off"
Remi: "You're going to fucking cut my head off" (said while whimpering & immediately hanging up)

Vogue to Virginia friend

(sung at top of lungs)
"Good Golly Miss Molly... she sure likes to bone"

A lottery ticket and a communist manifesto, please.

2005-12-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

R: I hate my job.
J: I hate my job too.
R: We need to win the lottery.
J: I think we just need to become the leaders of a large communist society and make the little people support us. We wouldn't have to work, plus we could have a mansion and limo and torture our olympians until they medal.
R: Hmm... I wasn't convinced of communist domination until you said we could torture our olympians... put me down for that!
J: Being olympian tourturing commies will rock out loud, trust me

Dirty Girls

2005-12-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

On wondering if a real relationship will develop...
Roxy: "So, do you think it will just be dirty sex?"
Remi: "If it goes that far it will be!"

On friendship...
Remi: "Where would we be if we had never met?"
Roxy: "We'd be miserable, chain smoking in some corner somewhere and sad... and we'd be French."

On eating a Meximelt, or something else?
Vogue: "It's already in my mouth, I may as well swallow."

Idaho!
Roxy on phone: You know that I know that you the 'ho!