She Speak

2009 Breast Cancer 3 Day

2008-12-19T09:28:00.006-07:00

Yep, thats Right its on again!!

Words cannot even express how wonderful the 3 Day walk was this last November. Outside of blisters from...well waaay down stairs, this is an event created for Remi (n hopefully Roxy this year!)

Why you ask...again its simple:

You get to skip work for a few days
You get to hang out with your friends for those days
Free food
Crazy fun people in costumes..like boobie rangers, pirates, can-can girls etc, hydration hookers, Disney, spies....
Powerful stories from people all over
Tears & side splitting laughter ("Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion"-Steele Magnolias)
Firemen!
The whole weekend is dedicated to helping others
You get to make new friends!!
Karaoke & dance parties every night!!!

Bottom line, why not. Even the Olympic, Run Fat Boy Run-like blisters were totally worth it!!

So this year I again will walk. I may be called stubby, Arizona's first dual stump pirate, but all you have to do is watch a 3 Day from the sidelines to understand. I gladly give my heart & feet to the cause & I hope that all of you reading this will help to sponsor me again!

Thanks,

Remi

ps....the team name this year is up in the air. I wanted team Super Boobs...but my brothers want to walk as well & they don't seem to want to be called a boob...hmm...I'll have to work on them :) in the mean time, support & team name suggestions are welcome!

pss...some pics from the '08 Breast Cancer 3 Day

Work Out

2008-07-05T12:17:00.002-07:00

Baby Momma: You know...its just not the same down there. All the stories are right!

Remi: You know you can just do a few Keigels to help remedy that...wait...ooh thats 10!

Baby Momma: Very true...look, I just did 3 reps while we are talking.

Remi: Next you should by a freeweights or a dumbell. You'll need to be careful though when you increase the weight...don't want to hurt yourself

Baby Momma: ooh..I think I just pulled a muscle

Remi: We need a doctor...STAT!!

Happy Birthday Roxy!!!

2008-05-18T19:03:00.004-07:00

Remi: Happy Birthday Roxy!!

Here's to many more years of bringin Sexy Back!!!

Hot Shit

2008-05-17T17:04:00.004-07:00

Oh dear Baby Jesus!!

Its already 98 to 99 degrees here & I get sick with a fever of 102...

Remi: I'm actually hotter than it is outside!

Remi's Dad: Well how do you feel?

Remi: Like shit...literally...well actually more like liquid poo...but you get the point.

Remi's dad proceeds to hand her a bottle of Immodium....Remi then reads the label...

Remi: Dad...how do you know if your squirts have mucus in them? The label says I shouldn't take them if it contains mucus.

Remi's Dad: I'm sorry I gave you the Immodium

later the next day when speaking with several people to explain my absense from work and life...

Vogue: I'm sorry you're sick. Thats Crappy.

Remi: Seriously you're going to say its crappy?

Vogue: laughing...uh yeah

Remi: Well at least I lost about 10 pounds

I can't remember who I said this one to...it may have been my doctor...

Remi: Maybe I can write a book and call it the shitty diet. Just add heat and simmer.

now that I think about it...that last comment was made to my doctor. hmmm...

Breast Cancer 3-Day

2008-05-04T20:08:00.008-07:00

Ok...I realize that I just might be crazy, but its a good cause. In November I will be walking in the Arizona Breast Cancer 3-Day walk. Why does that make me crazy you ask...well I will be walking 60 miles in 3 days. Yes thats right, 20 miles per day.

There have been a lot of people who have asked me why I am doing this. Here is my answer:

Remi: I am doing this walk to remember my mom. She survived this cancer not just once, but twice. She went thru living hell to do it & I believe there has to be a better way. She deserved to have a better life, she earned the right to spoil her grandchildren. Hell my family and I deserved to have more time with her.

While she survived it both times she faced it, the disease did take a toll. My hope is that by walking in this 3 day event, I can be a part of something that will ultimately cure cancer...by supporting me, you will also be a part of the cure. I hope that if I am ever diagnosed, I too will be a future survivor!!

I'll follow back up with pictures from the event...hopefully they won't be of me in the medical tent!! ha!!

Wish me luck everyone

You Go Girl!

2008-02-08T08:49:00.000-07:00

This is a post to all the world to let you know that Remi, yes that other goddess of the SheSpeak blog, has gone back to school!

And I think that deserves a big, fucking

YOU GO GIRL

right here on the Internet.

Revealing Ride

2008-01-16T18:10:00.000-07:00

Preface...CNN reports that a red line train in Boston became a "pantless" ride. Literally, there was news footage of everyone on the redline train sans pants. men in tightie whities, women in the equivalent panties etc...

Remi to co-worker: So you know we are getting the light rail here in Phoenix. Perhaps...

Co-worker who rudly cuts me off: Hell no. I can already tell you that I am not dropping my drawers to get on the light rail here.

Remi: But you never know, it could be exhillerating

Co-worker: Well maybe if you call me up at 2am I might be down. 2am on a Friday or Saturday night anyway.

Remi: Deal, when the light rail opens I'll give you the call!

Random employee at work who overheard: You guys are just sick

Remi: Its taken you this long to figure it out!

AL

2008-01-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

Remi: Hey Vogue, I just called to give you a warning.

Vogue: Really, about what?

Remi: Well you can never visit Virginia! I just found out that anallingus is against the law in Virginia ((thanks Roxy for the 411))

Vogue: Seriously, then I should probably never even visit there.

Remi: Don't worry I don't think anyone will be able to find out....I mean unless you drunkenly blog about it or get drunk and just blab it to everyone out there.

Vogue: Well there goes my plans for summer vacation.

Vacation is the time to live in RRT*, rock and sing out loud, and lose money in Atlantic City!

2008-01-08T22:45:00.000-07:00

But alas, a return to reality must occur. And that reality contains the dreaded four letter word - WORK.

In keeping with the spirit of Roxy and Remi's holiday season in which they named things that are Awesome and Not Awesome (gang-bangers in Bedazzled shirts =Awesome; $10 beers = Not Awesome), I will now enumerate for you ten of the many reasons why Work = Not Awesome.

1. No mimosas in the staff lounge.

2. Putting a quarter in the slot machine in the women's bathroom doesn't yield a delightful ting-a-ling-a-ling sound nor cherries on the pay line.

3. No Karaoke Revolution Dance Party, Sing Star, or random outloud singing.

4. In order to get here on time, bedtime needs to occur before 3AM and wakeup needs to happen before noon.

5. People who stop by the office aren't here to bring free booze.

6. Roadtrips have been reduced to commuting to and from the office.

7. "Holy Fuckin' Shit" isn't considered to be a scintillating sum-up of social dynamics in the office.

8. People actually expect me to give a shit about their problems.

9. At 3:00PM, when it should be time for a nap, there is an important meeting in which I'm expected to report on the successes of my department.

10. Duh, it's WORK.

and bonus, Number 11:

11. At work, we are In Reality Time, not Roxy & Remi Time. This means that even though we both feel like we've been at work for 4 hours, only 15 minutes IRT** has elapsed.

Holy Fuckin' Shit.

*RRT - Roxy & Remi time
**IRT - in reality time.

Compass Companion

2007-12-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

Remi: So they are calling this movie [The Golden Compass] anti-Catholic because the soul of each person is manifested as an animal companion?

Dad: said while pointing at the dogs Are we anti-Catholics then?

Remi: Well that depends...are you a licker (pointing at Mia) or are you a barker (pointing at Sadie)

Dad: Forget I asked.

I have to include it, even though it was "he" speak

2007-11-24T17:50:00.000-07:00

Roxy: No, I don't have to do anything you ask me.
Roxy's husband: You know, I could replace you with a trained monkey.
Roxy: I'd hate to think of the sex.
Roxy's husband: There would be a lot of hair and a lot of squealing. long pause. And that would just be me.

Things you don't normally hear at the office - unless you work where I do

2007-11-08T15:21:00.000-07:00

Roxy to Boss: You have pie crust on your eyelashes.
Boss wipes face.
Roxy: It's not every day you get to tell your boss he has pie crust on his eyelashes.

Slightly flighty receptionist to Roxy: You are too beautiful not to have a My Space page.
Roxy: Huh?
SFR: You have an intuitive spirit.
Roxy: So I should be on My Space?
SFR: It is a great place to meet people like us.
Roxy: Like us?
SFR: Mystical people.

Student 1: Yeah, we bowl frozen turkeys down the corridors next week.
Student 2: No, the week after.
Student 1: Well, it is November.

Happy Hour Insights

2007-08-09T21:30:00.000-07:00

WT Momma: You know I shaved down there when I thought I was going to get some the other day.

Remi: Really, that's good to know, so no more ZZ Top

WT Momma: Nope, now its a Bermuda Triangle, but that's not what I meant to talk about.

Remi: Really, what else is there to say after that?

WT Momma: Well you know how you shave and that day its nice and smooth but the next day you get all of the red bumps?

Remi: Uh yeah

WT Momma: Well I was putting lavender oil on it and it made all the red bumps get worse. I think it was from the added fragrances they put in it.

Remi: You think

WT Momma: Well then I got to thinking and I used olive oil. It is smooth as a baby's bottom now. Seriously you should try it.

Remi: So does that mean that your a virgin again since you used Virgin olive oil?

WT Momma: No I'm an extra virgin!

Karaoke Queen: Mmmm...just take that and add some cherry yogurt and you have yourself a meal!! (reference a blog Roxy is yet to finish!!)

You gotta fight, for your right...

2007-07-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

Roxy & Remi rock.

I've uploaded some pictures to back up my point.

Kickin' it Back In The Day...

Kickin' it on the Mic...

Kickin' it at Graceland...

And that, my lovelies, should be proof enough.

Plotting to Assassinate Reality

2007-07-03T06:49:00.000-07:00

Roxy: So, how are you doing?
H: I’m alive and just getting through each day as it comes.
Roxy: I know.
H: I have been calling on my three old friends…denial, avoidance, and distraction.
Roxy: Holy crap! You know those guys too? Denial and I were like the best of buds for years. Pretty soon, though, I just felt he couldn't do it for me anymore so I hooked up with Avoidance & Distraction. I LOVE the two of them - their my gay guy friends and I'm their fag hag...

I'm all like, "Hey Avoidance, wanna pretend that everything that is really true, really isn't? And then you can come over and we can hang out on my couch together and Distraction can bring over some movies and we can invent stuff to obsess over so that we don't have to face that bitch Reality. She's such a sanctimonious pain in the ass."

And then Avoidance laughs and pops open a case of vodka and we get drunk and paint our toenails.

So yeah, it's like that.
H: I should have known we'd have the same friends.

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

2007-06-04T18:39:00.000-07:00

Who hasn't been there,
Who among us has never reached the end of a relationship,
Who else is willing to admit when things have gone down the crapper!

Alas, I am not speaking for myself on this one. I simply relay an observation and a conversation between myself and W.T Momma!

I have known WT for several years and over those years we have dated, almost freakishly bad men. So poor were our choices that we noticed a trend. The men would last so long as their real name did. As soon as a moniker was created, the nickname took over & the boy was ousted!

Recently WT decided to end a long term (2+ year relationship) but she broke the rule. We discovered this as we fondly reminisced over a bottle of wine. This last one was being dumped without a nickname. The situation was quickly remedied. In honor of those whom we have dumped...a short but recent list:

The Spitter - A man who love to spit on women & have them reciprocate...in bed.
Shi Shi Boy - A boy who earned his nickname based on the Hawaiian name for urinating.
Grandpa - Really, the nickname really explains it all.
Pussy Lover - Lover of actual cats...always looking to socialize the little animals, but forgets all about the figurative kitty when the time comes.
NRA Guy - A man, allegedly an adult, most prized possession in his bedroom...a Potato Launcher!
Karate Kid - He can kick a fly off the top of your head but can't do much more.
Mr. Too Tired - Can't be civil enough to stay awake & not complain about being tired at a loved one's funeral

& last but not least...the most recent inductee to the dumpee hall of fame...
GOMER! He just can't help but shoot a pigeon (aka roof rat) off the roof of a home, immediately rip its head off, pluck it, toss it in the micro for 30 seconds and chow on down!

In summary I'd like to say (can't remember where this toast came from sorry)

Here's to the Men who've won us, the losers who've lost us, and the lucky bastards who've yet to meet us!

Oh yes it's Ladies Night...

2007-06-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

Things overheard at girl's night last Friday evening:

Red: Seriously, Barry, you're hanging with all the girls and you're the only guy. For godsake grab your titties or do something chick-like.

Vogue (aka Al): Haven't we already established that I'm a slut who will lick anyone's ass?

Roxy: What the hell are you doing in there, talking to your twat? (said to B, who Roxy thought was in the bathroom mumbling to herself)
later, outside by the pool
Roxy to Remi: Well, Jesus, I thought she was in the bathroom.
B: I was in the closet looking for my top.
Roxy: I thought you said Twat. All I heard was mumbling from down the hall. (To Remi) It was totally like, "Hey, what YOU doin' down there?" Naturally I assumed she was twat talking.

Red, talking about Al: Ass is totally her territory.
Al: I'm all over it.

W: Well, it's not like I knew how to do a blowjob at first...
Roxy: My friend CB told me about it.
Remi: I haven't heard that name in years.
Roxy: I know - of all the people to learn to do a blowjob first. It was freshman year and she called me after school one day. She said, "Steve just asked me to blow him. What does that mean?" I told her I thought it meant you blew on it.
W: Well, I just thought you put it in your mouth and blew. So I did. There were air bubbles up his urethra, or whatever that thing is called.
T: I think you just are born knowing what to do.
W: Seriously, how the hell did you learn to give a blowjob?
T: Well, he pushed my face down there and I put it in my mouth. I kept trying to come back up but he kept pushing me back down. After a while, I just kind of developed a rhythm.
entire party bursts out laughing at T's bobbing gestures

You can call her Al...

2007-05-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

Vogue has a new nickname. It's Al.

We aren't going to tell you what it stands for... well, ok, we aren't going to say it directly.

What we can tell you that the "A" is for Donkey, and the "L" stands for something that you do to get to the center of a tootsie pop.

Is that a fudgie center?

Gaseus McGassy

2007-03-30T09:13:00.000-07:00

In parking garage at work...during our lunch break

Remi: Oh my god I have been so gassy all day. It was so bad I had to go to the bathroom earlier so I could let a big one out.

Vogue: I know what you mean, I've been farting at my desk all day.

Remi: I had to wait in the bathroom until someone flushed...it was explosive!

Vogue: Yeah, I've been lucky all mine have been SBD's...also lucky nobody has walked by while it still smelled at my desk.

later while walking back to the building from lunch...

Remi: (while laughing) Did you hear that?

Vogue: Did I hear what?

Remi: I just let one rip.

Vogue: Oh...well (pause) There...I let one go too! Isn't it great to have friends you can fart with!

Remi: Absolutely!

Vogue: Just don't Shart, "The General" did that one time while I was on the phone with her.

Remi: Seriously...just when you think you know your friends!!

the conversation then drifted away...like the toxic fumes our asses were dispensing....

Who da Ho??

2007-03-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

((second hand, hearsay))
Vogue voice mail to Roxy: "I'm a ho and if you put a bag over my head I'd be a hobag!"

That week a series of picture-mail text messages were sent....
Remi to Roxy: simple picture of the Staples easy button, text - Vogue's easy
Vogue to Roxy: same picture, text - That's right, I am easy
Roxy to Vogue: picture of Roxy with easy button next to her head, text - That's OK I am too
Remi to Roxy: picture of Remi with easy button, text - I guess all 3 of us are easy!! hey lets start a club

the following conversation took place at the bar...at a happy hour...with work people
Vogue to male co-worker #1: I need your advice...honest advice that only a guy can give me. Don't laugh, but if a guy cums on my shirt instead of my mouth its a sign of respect right.

Vogue to same male co-worker #1: You should be an underwear model.
Remi to male co-worker #1: Yeah Calvin, go ahead
Male co-worker #1: just call me CK!
shortly thereafter several pictures were taken as the newly deemed CK struck some "manly" poses for us

Mardi Gras phone calls

2007-02-20T23:57:00.000-07:00

Remi to Dad on phone: Yeah, Roxy met me at the airport with a daquiri.
I can only imagine that Remi's dad told her to not stay drunk the whole time. Then again, knowing her dad, he probably told her to stay drunk.
Remi: Ok dad.

Remi to Vogue on phone: No I'm not flashing my tits. Why not? Because it is fucking cold here and my nipples would become icicles and then fall off?

Roxy to Mom on phone: Remi just said she's not going to flash because her nipples would freeze and fall off. Long pause. No mom, I'm not flashing either.

Roxy to Dad on phone: You know, when you are the eldest child, you don't expect to have to live up to someone's legacy.
Roxy's Dad: What do you mean?
Roxy: I mean that I'll I've heard from my Aunt's friends since I've arrived here is how crazy my dad was last year at Mardi Gras and that he was a bead whore. Dude, you're my dad!
Roxy's Dad just laughs.
Roxy: I do not want to know what you did here last year.
Roxy's Dad: I won't tell you.

Crabs...continued

2007-02-19T11:28:00.000-07:00

on the way home from the casino
Roxy: I got crabs tonight.
Remi: Well I know who's not gettin any tonight...

Later in the car.
Roxy's Other Half: Whats between Remi's thighs
Remi: The Holy Grail
Roxy's Other Half: How long has the grail been holy?
Remi: Only those who seek the grail shall know the answer to that question.
Roxy's Other Half: Thank God I'm not searching anymore.
Remi: Fuck You then! hahahahaha

as we were driving away from the parade route
Remi: Hey, should I throw someone some beads?
Roxy: Yeah go for it, but I'd prefer you wait till the car is moving.
Remi: Well that's no fun...but OK...((the car begins moving in the sea of Mardi Gras trash, I chuck some beads at a guy eating a hot dog)) Did I hit him
Roxy: No, but you did hit that chick!
Remi: Ooops...my bad

the next morning while sorting beads
Roxy's Aunt: Remember if your bag weighs more than 50 lbs the airline will charge you more.
Roxy: I know, they tried to charge me $100/lb when I moved.
Roxy's Aunt: What are you going to do with all those beads anyway?
Roxy: I'm going to give them away.
Remi: You know, we don't really need anymore beads.
Roxy: I know
Remi: That's not going to stop us from catching more tonight is it?
Roxy: Of course not!

James Gandolfini is the point to Mardi Gras

2007-02-19T08:37:00.001-07:00

Waiting for the parade to start...
Remi: Shit - there's the cop car. Is the parade starting? What am I going to do with this sausage I'm eating?
Roxy: I can't be eating a sausage when James Gandolfini comes around the corner.
Roxy's Aunt: Sure you can. Tell him you will give him a bite of your sausage if he gives you a bite of his.

Roxy: If anyone tries to get inbetween me and James Gandolfini, I will mow them down.

Remi: This lip gloss plumps up your lips.
Roxy: You go girl - you plump those lips for James Gandolfini.
Remi: I am!
Roxy: Did you notice that I had to reapply lipstick before he gets here? I mean, shit, I haven't reapplied lipstick at anytime on this trip - not even for my husband.
Remi: And when have you seen me reapply?
Roxy: Like James Gandolfini is going to look at our lips.
Remi: He might.

While at the parade...
Roxy's husband: You do realize we are standing on top of raw sewage, right?
Remi: I don't see shit down there.

Roxy to bitch trying to elbow her out of the front of the crowd: Uh, no. I don't think so, honey. I've been here since 6:00 - you better back it up.

Upon returning to the car...
Roxy's husband to car: Well, car, we paid $30 to park you. Coincidentally, we also paid $30 per person to eat dinner since it is Mardi Gras. How was your experience?
Roxy to car: Did you get crabs too?

(note: I have no idea why we were talking to the car - we were sober.)

Homeward bound...
Remi: See, we don't have to be drunk to giggle in the backseat like schoolgirls.

Yo ho! Mardi Gras Style...

2007-02-18T13:10:00.000-07:00

Remi: I swear, I don't know why that look is popular (gestures to woman in tight short jeans tucked into her black, high-heeled boots)
Roxy: No kidding. It sucks.
Remi: It's supposed to be high fashion but it looks like something out of the 80's.
Roxy: But I guess it would look ok if you were a pirate.
Remi: Arrrrrgggghhhh, yeah.

Day 2: Mardi Gras

2007-02-18T07:51:00.000-07:00

Remi: Do you realize how much funny shit we've said and forgotten?
Roxy: A lot.
Remi: I wish we had one of those voice recorders from the TV infomercials.
Roxy: And to think, yesterday we were making fun of them.